And so today "It" happened....

I had a tiny nervous breakdown. I suppose it wasn't really a nervous breakdown, but everything sort of built up to a head and I kind of lost it. Not the screaming, lose-your-mind kind of thing, but it was more the overwhelming, straw-that-broke-the -camel's-back, find yourself a huge box of tissues and chocolates kind of thing.

I think it's been the strain of the past four to five months, starting with the time I decided that I should probably go back to school to start my doctorate in February. I applied, and after finding out I had to take the GRE again, bought the books to study and tried to get everything organized and pinned down. And then it just seemed that every time I tried to study or prepare, there was always something else that popped up that was more important. And usually whatever it was, truly DID have to be done sooner. Unfortunately, it didn't leave much time for GRE study. Or ease my fear of the Quantitative (math) sections.

So I hired a tutor. or tried to. It wasn't until the end of May/early June that I was able to find one...moving to a new city and all. And cramming, my friends, really does NOT work. Hence my current situation. I thought all was well and have been studying for the past few weeks, and today I took a full-length practice test, minus the essays. And my mom helped me score it. (Mind you, I was supposed to take the actual GRE this coming Wednesday, while at home in Buffalo). Right after I finished the second section, I got a phone call from the Testing center. Realize that it's probably not good news if they're calling you. And it wasn't. My test was cancelled due to technical difficulties. So I panicked. And then heaved a sigh of relief when they called a few minutes later to reschedule. Until we finished scoring those two sections.

Now, I know I'm not stupid, but after grading the math section I really felt like it. And it took me back to the first time I took one of those awful tests...the dreaded SAT, and getting my scores for the math. I remember the day I got them in the mail and my father's response after I opened them. I got a 520, which isn't great, and he was so kind to point out how poorly he thought I'd done. And then he called me an idiot. So fast forward to today and, after looking at my math score...a 520 seemed like gold...it was like I could hear my dad's voice in my head...and everything just fell apart. I know I shouldn't speak ill of the dead, especially since he was my father, but what kind of person actually calls their child an idiot??? Anyways.....

So after a lot of tears and chocolate and diet coke (I fell off the wagon on that addiction), I decided to defer my grad school application to January. I realized, after finally calming down that it's just not worth it and I'm pushing for no really good reason. Why is it we can't really see clearly until everything seems to fall apart? At any rate, at least I've made a decision and have a new goal to work towards.

More news tomorrow, but this post is already too long...